today is such a somber day. it is cloudy and windy and there is a severe weather alert in the mountains. so why are we venturing out? well, because it is a good day to dye easter eggs and read the liturgy for holy thursday and we will do it in the solitude of my parent’s house in the mountains. in a way i am glad to get away. i have been feeling very overwhelmed this past week. there has been so much to do and not enough hours to get it all done. there are so many obligations to be met and because it is still lent i am trying to meet them with a gratuitous heart. but somehow there is this part of me that feels resentful. resentful that i cannot seem to find the time to sit and meditate quietly on the importance of these next few days. this mornings reading and meditation was nice, but not enough. i felt the conflict of the martha/mary syndrome so much. don’t most of us? content to sit at my Lord’s feet and listen to all He has to say, i wanted to shut the voice of martha, crying out to me from the kitchen, “there is work to be done. dishes to do. mouths to feed.” just one more page, i thought. just one more prayer. but the longer i sat there it felt sort of like i was back in college, cramming for an exam. trying to soak in as much information as possible before the big day. before easter is here and lent is over and i am left thinking, what exactly did i learn? what am i taking away from this journey with my Lord? did anything stick? will i pass or have i failed miserably? there has been so much talk all week about the traitor and i can’t help but think about my own self. how many times have i been the traitor. how many times have i acted poorly on His behalf. even my writing these days seems grace-less. this is not a confession. this is not something that i write because i want to have my inbox flooded with compliments of my supposed holiness. it is simply a somber meditation on sinfulness and how even though because of Who He is Who He is and because of what He did for you and for me and for many we were freed from slavery, but not from dependence. dependence on Whom? well, dependence on Him of course. and that is really what this is all about. this is the difference between me and the other traitor. i don’t want to be like him. i don’t want to be dependent on myself. His infinite wisdom knew that my sinful nature needs this somber time to look at who i really am and where i am going with this life He has given me and the lives under my care. the lives that need to be fed, not only materially, but spiritually as well. and it is my hope that with His grace i can somehow “persevere to the end” so that we “may be saved”, not just this week, but every day. so in that respect, lent is never over. the learning and meditating, praying and sacrificing is never over until we are over. there is no need to cram. there is more to it than that. after all our example is this, “my food is to do the will of the ONE Who sent Me.” (jn. 4:34) not just to believe or to sit and prayerfully ponder, but to actually DO. and so with that i must go. for with a little prompting from the Holy Spirit, martha is calling me.