somber

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today is such a somber day. it is cloudy and windy and there is a severe weather alert in the mountains. so why are we venturing out? well, because it is a good day to dye easter eggs and read the liturgy for holy thursday and we will do it in the solitude of my parent’s house in the mountains. in a way i am glad to get away. i have been feeling very overwhelmed this past week. there has been so much to do and not enough hours to get it all done. there are so many obligations to be met and because it is still lent i am trying to meet them with a gratuitous heart. but somehow there is this part of me that feels resentful. resentful that i cannot seem to find the time to sit and meditate quietly on the importance of these next few days. this mornings reading and meditation was nice, but not enough. i felt the conflict of the martha/mary syndrome so much. don’t most of us? content to sit at my Lord’s feet and listen to all He has to say, i wanted to shut the voice of martha, crying out to me from the kitchen, “there is work to be done. dishes to do. mouths to feed.” just one more page, i thought. just one more prayer. but the longer i sat there it felt sort of like i was back in college, cramming for an exam. trying to soak in as much information as possible before the big day. before easter is here and lent is over and i am left thinking, what exactly did i learn? what am i taking away from this journey with my Lord? did anything stick? will i pass or have i failed miserably? there has been so much talk all week about the traitor and i can’t help but think about my own self. how many times have i been the traitor. how many times have i acted poorly on His behalf. even my writing these days seems grace-less. this is not a confession. this is not something that i write because i want to have my inbox flooded with compliments of my supposed  holiness. it is simply a somber meditation on sinfulness and how even though because of Who He is Who He is and because of what He did for you and for me and for many we were freed from slavery, but not from dependence.  dependence on Whom? well, dependence on Him of course. and that is really what this is all about. this is the difference between me and the other traitor. i don’t want to be like him. i don’t want to be dependent on myself.  His infinite wisdom knew that my sinful nature needs  this somber time to look at who i really  am and where i am going with this life He has given me and the lives under my care. the lives that need to be fed, not only materially, but spiritually as well. and it is my hope that with His grace i can somehow “persevere to the end” so that we “may be saved”, not just this week, but every day. so in that respect, lent is never over. the learning and meditating, praying and sacrificing is never over until we are over. there is no need to cram.  there is more to it than that. after all our example is this, “my food is to do  the will of the ONE Who sent Me.” (jn. 4:34)  not just to believe or to sit and prayerfully ponder, but to actually DO. and so with that i must go. for with a little prompting from the Holy Spirit, martha  is calling me.

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4 responses to “somber

  1. I can relate to the pull between Mary/Martha. I’ve been feeling like I want to be Mary and just sit and listen – preferably in a quiet setting – and listen from the heart. However, I have a feeling that when everyone comes to our home this weekend, they’ll have expected a bit of the Martha in me to attend to details.

  2. I suppose we would not be seeking Him so much if we were either one of those women and not a mix of both. Being human is being out of balance until our fateful day to meet Him. In the end, the journey will be worth it. The good you do every day is an act of prayer and worship. So, rote prayers, meditations all that? Well, good in and of themselves, but then, the point is not to make you feel burdened. You know? Hang in there. Christ has you tighter in His grip than you may realize.

    Blessed Triduum and Easter to you and your loved ones.

  3. I often want to sit a bit longer, too, in the stillness. Even yesterday after confession, I wanted to linger in the adoration chapel with the Lord. I could have stayed a long, long time. But I had to go, for I was needed at home. And He is the one who entrusted me with this vocation to live out for Him and for my family … It is such a balance, isn’t it? Especially as wives and mothers. To figure out how to do both, and feel peace, is a constant challenge for me.

    I especially liked your words about how Lent isn’t over, we don’t have to cram, it’s never over … It gives me some relief, in a way, that I don’t have to reach this certain level of holiness by Sunday. (That this is it, oh no!) Hopefully, I have grown, but I also can keep striving, keep trying and keep surrendering for, yes, I will continue to truly depend on Him always.

    A very blessed Triduum to you and your family! I hope you enjoy your time in the mountains praying and coloring eggs!

  4. Beautifull expressed Regan, like it or not. : )

    I once expressed much of what you did, to an older and wiser one than myself. I was sharing my longing to go sit in my church for hours in adoration of the blessed sacrament, hours reading my Bible daily, reflecting on the message and pondering it’s meaning just for me. But alas….there was so much to do, and many little ones to always care for and be with.

    The wise one said to me: “There will be plenty of time for all of that later. God has blessed you with the vocation of MOTHERHOOD. Serving and nurturing your children….THAT IS your prayer now.”

    I embraced those words and stored them away in my heart. When that old time feeling rolls around once again, I pull them out, and reflect on them once again. It is then that I know I am doing EXACTLY what He wants me to be doing, right now.

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